GRACE ABOUNDING TO THE
CHIEF OF SINNERS
OR, A BRIEF RELATION OF THE EXCEEDING MERCY OF GOD IN CHRIST, TO HIS POOR
SERVANT JOHN BUNYAN
Grace Abounding To The Chief of Sinners
In a faithful account of the life of John Bunyan, or a brief relation of the
exceeding mercy of God in Christ to him; namely, in taking him out of the
dunghill, and converting him to the faith of His blessed Son,
J E S U S C H R I S T.
Here is also
particularly showed, what sight of, and what trouble he had for sin; and also
what various temptations he met with; and how God hath carried him through them.
Corrected and much enlarged by the author, for the benefit of the tempted and
dejected Christian.
By
JOHN BUNYAN
L O N D O N,
Published by George Larkin, 1666.
John Bunyan wrote this book while still in Bedford Prison.
It was first published in 1666, the year of the Fire of London.
In this my relation of the merciful working of God upon my soul,
it will not be amiss, if, in the first place, I do, in a few words, give you a
hint of my pedigree, and manner of bringing up; that thereby the goodness and
bounty of God towards me, may be the more advanced and magnified before the sons
of men.
For my descent then, it was, as is well known by many, of a low and
inconsiderable generation; my father's house being of that rank that is meanest
and most despised of all the families in the land. Wherefore I have not here, as
others, to boast of noble blood, or of a high-born state, according to the
flesh; though, all things considered, I magnify the heavenly Majesty, for that
by this door He brought me into this world, to partake of the grace and life
that is in Christ by the gospel.
But yet, notwithstanding the meanness and inconsiderableness of my parents, it
pleased God to put it into their hearts to put me to school, to learn both to
read and write; the which I also attained, according to the rate of other poor
men's children; though, to my shame I confess, I did soon lose that little I
learned, and that even almost utterly, and that long before the Lord did work
His gracious work of conversion upon my soul.
As for my own natural life, for the time that I was without God in the world, it
was indeed according to the course of this world, and 'the spirit that now
worketh in the children of disobedience' (Eph. 2.2, 3). It was my delight to be
'taken captive by the devil at his will' (II Tim. 2.26). Being filled with all
unrighteousness, the which did also so strongly work and put forth itself, both
in my heart and life, and that from a child, that I had but few equals,
especially considering my years, which were tender, being few, both for cursing,
swearing, lying, and blaspheming the holy name of God.
Yea, so settled and rooted was I in these things, that they became as a second
nature to me; the which, as I also have with soberness considered since, did so
offend the Lord, that even in my childhood He did scare and affright me with
fearful dreams, and did terrify me with dreadful visions; for often, after I had
spent this and the other day in sin, I have in my bed been greatly afflicted,
while asleep, with the apprehensions of devils and wicked spirits, who still, as
I then thought, laboured to draw me away with them, of which I could never be
rid.
Also I should, at these years, be greatly afflicted and troubled with the
thoughts of the day of judgment, and that both night and day, and should tremble
at the thoughts of the fearful torments of hell fire; still fearing that it
would be my lot to be found at last amongst those devils and hellish fiends, who
are there bound down with the chains and bonds of eternal darkness, 'unto the
judgment of the great day.'
These things, I say, when I was but a child but nine or ten years old, did so
distress my soul, that when in the midst of my many sports and childish
vanities, amidst my vain companions, I was often much cast down and afflicted in
my mind therewith, yet could I not let go my sins. Yea, I was also then so
overcome with despair of life and heaven, that I should often wish either that
there had been no hell, or that I had been a devil-supposing they were only
tormentors; that if it must needs be that I went thither, I might be rather a
tormentor, than be tormented myself.
A while after, these terrible dreams did leave me, which also I soon forgot; for
my pleasures did quickly cut off the remembrance of them, as if they had never
been: wherefore, with more greediness, according to the strength of nature, I
did still let loose the reins to my lusts, and delighted in all transgression
against the law of God: so that, until I came to the state of marriage, I was
the very ringleader of all the youth that kept me company, into all manner of
vice and ungodliness.
Yea, such prevalency had the lusts and fruits of the flesh in this poor soul of
mine, that had not a miracle of precious grace prevented, I had not only
perished by the stroke of eternal justice, but had also laid myself open, even
to the stroke of those laws, which bring some to disgrace and open shame before
the face of the world.
In these days, the thoughts of religion were very grievous to me; I could
neither endure it myself, nor that any other should; so that, when I have seen
some read in those books that concerned Christian piety, it would be as it were
a prison to me. Then I said unto God, 'Depart from me, for I desire not the
knowledge of thy ways' (Job 21.14). I was now void of all good consideration,
heaven and hell were both out of sight and mind; and as for saving and damning,
they were least in my thoughts. O Lord, thou knowest my life, and my ways were
not hid from Thee.
Yet this I well remember, that though I could myself sin with the greatest
delight and ease, and also take pleasure in the vileness of my companions; yet,
even then, if I have at any time seen wicked things, by those who professed
goodness, it would make my spirit tremble. As once, above all the rest, when I
was in my height of vanity, yet hearing one to swear that was reckoned for a
religious man, it had so great a stroke upon my spirit, that it made my heart to
ache.
But God did not utterly leave me, but followed me still, not now with
convictions, but judgments; yet, such as were mixed with mercy. For once I fell
into a creek of the sea, and hardly escaped drowning. Another time I fell out of
a boat into Bedford river, but mercy yet preserved me alive. Besides, another
time, being in the field with one of my companions, it chanced that an adder
passed over the highway; so I, having a stick in my hand, struck her over the
back; and having stunned her, I forced open her mouth with my stick, and plucked
her sting out with my fingers, by which act, had not God been merciful, I might,
by my desperateness, have brought myself to mine end.
This also have I taken notice of with thanksgiving; when I was a soldier, I,
with others, were drawn out to go to such a place to besiege it; but when I was
just ready to go, one of the company desired to go in my room; to which, when I
had consented, he took my place; and coming to the siege, as he stood sentinel,
he was shot into the head with a musket bullet, and died.
Here, as I said, were judgments and mercy, but neither of them did awaken my
soul to righteousness; wherefore I sinned still, and grew more and more
rebellious against God, and careless of mine own salvation.
Presently after this, I changed my condition into a married state, and my mercy
was to light upon a wife whose father was counted godly. This woman and I,
though we came together as poor as poor might be, not having so much household
stuff as a dish or spoon betwixt us both, yet this she had for her part, The
Plain Man's Pathway to Heaven, and The Practice of Piety, which her father had
left her when he died. In these two books I should sometimes read with her,
wherein I also found some things that were somewhat pleasing to me; but all this
while I met with no conviction. She also would be often telling of me, what a
godly man her father was, and how he would reprove and correct vice, both in his
house, and amongst his neighbours; what a strict and holy life he lived in his
day, both in word and deed.
Wherefore these books with this relation, though they did not reach my heart, to
awaken it about my sad and sinful state, yet they did beget within me some
desires to religion: so that, because I knew no better, I fell in very eagerly
with the religion of the times; to wit, to go to church twice a day, and that
too with the foremost; and there should very devoutly, both say and sing as
others did, yet retaining my wicked life; but withal, I was so overrun with a
spirit of superstition, that I adored, and that with great devotion, even all
things, both the high place, priest, clerk, vestment, service, and what else
belonging to the church; counting all things holy that were therein contained,
and especially the priest and clerk most happy, and without doubt, greatly
blessed, because they were the servants, as I then thought, of God, and were
principal in the holy temple, to do His work therein.
This conceit grew so strong in little time upon my spirit, that had I but seen a
priest, though never so sordid and debauched in his life, I should find my
spirit fall under him, reverence him, and knit unto him: yea, I thought for the
love I did bear unto them, supposing they were the ministers of God, I could
have lain down at their feet, and have been trampled upon by them; their name,
their garb, and work, did so intoxicate and bewitch me.
After I had been thus for some considerable time, another thought came into my
mind; and that was, whether we were of the Israelites, or no? For finding in the
Scriptures that they were once the peculiar people of God, thought I, if I were
one of this race, my soul must needs be happy. Now again, I found within me a
great longing to be resolved about this question, but could not tell how I
should. At last I asked my father of it; who told me, No, we were not. Wherefore
then I fell in my spirit as to the hopes of that, and so remained.
But all this while, I was not sensible of the danger and evil of sin; I was kept
from considering that sin would damn me, what religion soever I followed, unless
I was found in Christ. Nay, I never thought of Him, nor whether there was one,
or no. Thus man, while blind, doth wander, but wearieth himself with vanity, for
he knoweth not the way to the city of God (Eccl. 10.15).
But one day, amongst all the sermons our parson made, his subject was, to treat
of the Sabbath-day, and of the evil of breaking that, either with labour, sports
or otherwise. Now I was, notwithstanding my religion, one that took much delight
in all manner of vice, and especially that was the day that I did solace myself
therewith, wherefore I fell in my conscience under his sermon, thinking and
believing that he made that sermon on purpose to show me my evil doing; and at
that time I felt what guilt was, though never before, that I can remember; but
then I was, for the present, greatly loaden therewith, and so went home when the
sermon was ended, with a great burden upon my spirit.
This, for that instant, did benumb the sinews of my best delights, and did
imbitter my former pleasures to me; but behold, it lasted not, for before I had
well dined, the trouble began to go off my mind, and my heart returned to his
old course: but oh! how glad was I, that this trouble was gone from me, and that
the fire was put out, that I might sin again without control! Wherefore, when I
had satisfied nature with my food, I shook the sermon out of my mind, and to my
old custom of sports and gaming I returned with great delight.
But the same day, as I was in the midst of a game at cat, and having struck it
one blow from the hole, just as I was about to strike it the second time, a
voice did suddenly dart from heaven into my soul, which said, Wilt thou leave
thy sins and go to heaven, or have thy sins and go to hell? At this I was put to
an exceeding maze; wherefore, leaving my cat upon the ground, I looked up to
heaven, and was as if I had, with the eyes of my understanding, seen the Lord
Jesus looking down upon me, as being very hotly displeased with me, and as if He
did severely threaten me with some grievous punishment for these and other my
ungodly practices.
I had no sooner thus conceived in my mind, but suddenly this conclusion was
fastened on my spirit, for the former hint did set my sins again before my face,
that I had been a great and grievous sinner, and that it was now too late for me
to look after heaven; for Christ would not forgive me, nor pardon my
transgressions. Then I fell to musing upon this also; and while I was thinking
on it, and fearing lest it should be so, I felt my heart sink in despair,
concluding it was too late; and therefore I resolved in my mind I would go on in
sin; for, thought I, if the case be thus, my state is surely miserable;
miserable if I leave my sins, and but miserable if I follow then; I can but be
damned, and if I must be so, I had as good be damned for many sins, as to be
damned for few.
Thus I stood in the midst of my play, before all that then were present; but yet
I told them nothing: but I say, I having made this conclusion, I returned
desperately to my sport again; and I well remember, that presently this kind of
despair did so possess my soul, that I was persuaded I could never attain to
other comfort than what I should get in sin; for heaven was gone already, so
that on that I must not think; wherefore I found within me a great desire to
take my fill of sin, still studying what sin was set to be committed, that I
might taste the sweetness of it; and I made as much haste as I could to fill my
belly with its delicates, lest I should die before I had my desire; for that I
feared greatly. In these things, I protest before God, I lie not, neither do I
feign this sort of speech; these were really, strongly, and with all my heart,
my desires; the good Lord, whose mercy is unsearchable, forgive me my
transgressions .
And I am very confident, that this temptation of the devil is more than usual
amongst poor creatures than many are aware of, even to overrun their spirits
with a scurvy and seared frame of heart, and benumbing of conscience; which
frame, he stilly and slily supplieth with such despair, that though not much
guilt attendeth the soul, yet they continually have a secret conclusion within
them, that there is no hopes for them; for they have loved sons, 'therefore
after them they will go' (Jer. 2.25; 18.12).
Now therefore I went on in sin with great greediness of mind, still grudging
that I could not be so satisfied with it as I would. This did continue with me
about a month, or more; but one day, as I was standing at a neighbour's
shop-window, and there cursing and swearing, and playing the madman, after my
wonted manner, there sat within the woman of the house, and heard me, who,
though she was a very loose and ungodly wretch, yet protested that I swore and
cursed at that most fearful rate, that she was made to tremble to hear me; and
told me further, That I was the ungodliest fellow for swearing that ever she
heard in all her life; and that I, by thus doing, was able to spoil all the
youth in a whole town, if they came but in my company.
At this reproof I was silenced, and put to secret shame, and that too, as I
thought, before the God of heaven; wherefore, while I stood there, and hanging
down my head. I wished with all my heart that I might be a little child again,
that my father might learn me to speak without this wicked way of swearing; for,
thought I, I am so accustomed to it, that it is in vain for me to think of a
reformation, for I thought it could never be.
But how it came to pass, I know not; I did from this time forward so leave my
swearing, that it was a great wonder to myself to observe it; and whereas
before, I knew not how to speak unless I put an oath before, and another behind,
to make my words have authority; now, I could, without it, speak better, and
with more pleasantness, than ever I could before. All this while I knew not
Jesus Christ, neither did I leave my sports and plays.
But quickly after this, I fell in company with one poor man that made profession
of religion; who, as I then thought, did talk pleasantly of the Scriptures, and
of the matters of religion; wherefore, falling into some love and liking to what
he said, I betook me to my Bible, and began to take great pleasure in reading,
but especially with the historical part thereof; for, as for Paul's epistles,
and Scriptures of that nature, I could not away with them, being as yet but
ignorant, either of the corruptions of my nature, or of the want and worth of
Jesus Christ to save me.
Wherefore I fell to some outward reformation, both in my words and life, and did
set the commandments before me for my way to heaven; which commandments I also
did strive to keep, and, as I thought, did keep them pretty well sometimes, and
then I should have comfort; yet now and then should break one, and so afflict my
conscience; but then I should repent, and say I was sorry for it, and promise
God to do better next time, and there get help again, for then I thought I
pleased God as well as any man in England.
Thus I continued about a year; all which time our neighbours did take me to be a
very godly man, a new and religious man, and did marvel much to see such a great
and famous alteration in my life and manners; and, indeed, so it was, though yet
I knew not Christ, nor grace, nor faith, nor hope; and truly, as I have well
seen since, had I then died, my state had been most fearful; well, this, I say,
continued about a twelvemonth or more.
But, I say, my neighbours were amazed at this my great conversion, from
prodigious profaneness, to something like a moral life; and, truly, so they well
might; for this my conversion was as great, as for Tom of Bedlam to become a
sober man. Now, therefore, they began to praise, to commend, and to speak well
of me, both to my face, and behind my back. Now, I was, as they said, become
godly; now, I was become a right honest man. But oh! when I understood that
these were their words and opinions of me, it pleased me mighty well. For
though, as yet, I was nothing but a poor painted hypocrite, yet I loved to be
talked of as one that was truly godly. I was proud of my godliness, and, I did
all I did, either to be seen of, or to be well spoken of, by man. And thus I
continued for about a twelvemonth or more.
Now you must know, that before this I had taken much delight in ringing, but my
conscience beginning to be tender, I thought such practice was but vain, and
therefore forced myself to leave it, yet my mind hankered; wherefore I should go
to the steeple house, and look on it, though I durst not ring. But I thought
this did not become religion neither, yet I forced myself, and would look on
still; but quickly after, I began to think, How, if one of the bells should
fall? Then I chose to stand under a main beam, that lay overthwart the steeple,
from side to side, thinking there I might stand sure, but then I should think
again, should the bell fall with a swing, it might first hit the wall, and then
rebounding upon me, might kill me for all this beam. This made me stand in the
steeple door; and now, thought I, I am safe enough; for if a bell should then
fall, I can slip out behind these thick walls, and so be preserved
notwithstanding.
So, after this, I would yet go to see them ring, but would not go farther than
the steeple door; but then it came into my head, How, if the steeple itself
should fall? And this thought, it may fall for aught I know, when I stood and
looked on, did continually so shake my mind, that I durst not stand at the
steeple door any longer, but was forced to flee, for fear the steeple should
fall upon my head.
Another thing was my dancing; I was a full year before I could quite leave that;
but all this while, when I thought I kept this or that commandment, or did, by
word or deed, anything that I thought was good, I had great peace in my
conscience; and should think with myself, God cannot choose but be now pleased
with me; yea, to relate it in mine own way, I thought no man in England could
please God better than I.
But, poor wretch as I was, I was all this while ignorant of Jesus Christ, and
going about to establish my own righteousness; and had perished therein, had not
God, in mercy, showed me more of my state of nature.
But upon a day, the good providence of God did cast me to Bedford, to work on my
calling; and in one of the streets of that town, I came where there were three
or four poor women sitting at a door in the sun, and talking about the things of
God; and being now willing to hear them discourse, I drew near to hear what they
said, for I was now a brisk talker also myself in the matters of religion, but
now I may say, I heard, but I understood not; for they were far above, out of my
reach, for their talk was about a new birth, the work of God on their hearts,
also how they were convinced of their miserable state by nature; they talked how
God had visited their souls with His love in the Lord Jesus, and with what words
and promises they had been refreshed, comforted, and supported against the
temptations of the devil. Moreover, they reasoned of the suggestions and
temptations of Satan in particular; and told to each other by which they had
been afflicted, and how they were borne up under his assaults. They also
discoursed of their own wretchedness of heart, of their unbelief; and did
contemn, slight, and abhor their own righteousness, as filthy and insufficient
to do them any good.
And methought they spake as if joy did make them speak; they
spake with such pleasantness of Scripture language, and with such appearance of
grace in all they said, that they were to me as if they had found a new world,
as if they were people that dwelt alone, and were not to be reckoned among their
neighbours (Num.3.9).
At this I felt my own heart began to shake, as mistrusting my
condition to be naught; for I saw that in all my thoughts about religion and
salvation, the new birth did never enter into my mind, neither knew I the
comfort of the Word and promise, nor the deceitfulness and treachery of my own
wicked heart. As for secret thoughts, I took no notice of them; neither did I
understand what Satan's temptations were, nor how they were to be withstood and
resisted, etc.
Thus, therefore, when I had heard and considered what they said,
I left them, and went about my employment again, but their talk and discourse
went with me; also my heart would tarry with them, for I was greatly affected
with their words, both because by them I was convinced that I wanted the true
tokens of a truly godly man, and also because by them I was convinced of the
happy and blessed condition of him that was such a one.
Therefore I should often make it my business to be going again
and again into the company of these poor people, for I could not stay away; and
the more I went amongst them, the more I did question my condition; and as I
still do remember, presently I found two things within me, at which I did
sometimes marvel, especially considering what a blind, ignorant, sordid, and
ungodly wretch but just before I was; the one was a great softness and
tenderness of heart, which caused me to fall under the conviction of what by
Scripture they asserted; and the other was a great bending in my mind to a
continual meditating on it, and on all other good things which at any time I
heard or read of.
By these things my mind was now so turned, that it lay like a
horse leech at the vein, still crying out, Give, give (Prov. 30.15); yea, it was
so fixed on eternity, and on the things about the kingdom of heaven, that is, so
far as I knew, though as yet, God knows, I knew but little; that neither
pleasures nor profits, nor persuasions, nor threats, could loosen it, or make it
let go his hold; and though I may speak it with shame, yet it is in very deed a
certain truth, it would then have been as difficult for me to have taken my mind
from heaven to earth, as I have found it often since to get it again from earth
to heaven.
One thing I may not omit: There was a young man in our town, to
whom my heart was knit more than to any other, but he being a most wicked
creature for cursing, and swearing, and whoring, I now shook him off, and
forsook his company: but about a quarter of a year after I had left him, I met
him in a certain lane, and asked him how he did; he, after his old swearing and
mad way, answered, he was well. But, Harry, said I, why do you swear and curse
thus? What will become of you, if you die in this condition? He answered me in a
great chafe, What would the devil do for company, if it were not for such as I
am?
About this time I met with some Ranters' books, that were put
forth by some of our countrymen, which books were also highly in esteem by
several old professors; some of these I read, but was not able to make a
judgment about them; wherefore as I read in them, and thought upon them, feeling
myself unable to judge, I should betake myself to hearty prayer in this manner:
O Lord, I am a fool, and not able to know the truth from error: Lord, leave me
not to my own blindness, either to approve of, or condemn this doctrine; if it
be of God, let me not despise it; if it be of the devil, let me not embrace it.
Lord, I lay my soul, in this matter, only at Thy foot; let me not be deceived, I
humbly beseech Thee. I had one religious intimate companion all this while, and
that was the poor man that I spoke of before; but about this time he also turned
a most devilish Ranter, and gave himself up to all manner of filthiness,
especially uncleanness; he would also deny that there was a God, angel, or
spirit; and would laugh at all exhortations to sobriety. When I laboured to
rebuke his wickedness, he would laugh the more, and pretend that he had gone
through all religions, and could never light on the right till now. He told me
also, that in a little time we should see all professors turn to the ways of the
Ranters. Wherefore, abominating those cursed principles, I left his company
forthwith, and became to him as great a stranger, as I had been before a
familiar.
Neither was this man only a temptation to me; but my calling
lying in the country, I happened to light into several people's company, who,
though strict in religion formerly, yet were also swept away by these Ranters.
These would also talk with me of their ways, and condemn me as legal and dark;
pretending that they had only attained to perfection that could do what they
would, and not sin. Oh! these temptations were suitable to my flesh, I being but
a young man, and my nature in its prime; but God, who had, I hope, designed me
for better things, kept me in the fear of His name, and did not suffer me to
accept of such principles. And blessed be God, who put it into my heart to cry
to Him to be kept and directed, still distrusting mine own wisdom; for I have
since seen even the effect of that prayer, in His preserving me not only from
ranting errors, but from those also that have sprung up since. The Bible was
precious to me in those days.
And now, methought, I began to look into the Bible with new eyes,
and read as I never did before; and especially the epistles of the apostle Paul
were sweet and pleasant to me; and, indeed, I was then never out of the Bible,
either by reading or meditation; still crying out to God, that I might know the
truth, and way to heaven and glory.
And as I went on and read, I lighted on that passage, 'To one is
given by the Spirit the word of wisdom; to another the word of knowledge by the
same Spirit; and to another faith,' etc. (1 Cor. 12.8, 9). And though, as I have
since seen, that by this Scripture the Holy Ghost intends, in special, things
extraordinary, yet on me it did then fasten with conviction, that I did want
things ordinary, even that understanding and wisdom that other Christians had.
On this word I mused, and could not tell what to do, especially this word faith
put me to it, for I could not help it, but sometimes must question, whether I
had any faith or no; for I feared that it shut me out of all the blessings that
other good people had given them of God; but I was loath to conclude I had no
faith in my soul; for if I do so, thought I, then I shall count myself a very
castaway indeed.
No, said I with myself, though I am convinced that I am an
ignorant sot, and that I want those blessed gifts of knowledge and understanding
that other good people have; yet, at a venture, I will conclude I am not
altogether faithless, though I know not what faith is. For it was showed me, and
that too, as I have since seen, by Satan, that those who conclude themselves in
a faithless state, have neither rest nor quiet in their souls; and I was loath
to fall quite into despair.
Wherefore, by this suggestion, I was for a while made afraid to
see my want of faith; but God would not suffer me thus to undo and destroy my
soul, but did continually, against this my blind and sad conclusion, create
still within me such suppositions, insomuch that I might in this deceive myself,
that I could not rest content, until I did now come to some certain knowledge,
whether I had faith or no; this always running in my mind, But how if you want
faith indeed? But how can you tell if you have faith? And, besides, I saw for
certain, if I had not, I was sure to perish for ever.
So that though I endeavoured at the first to look over the
business of faith, yet in a little time, I better considering the matter, was
willing to put myself upon the trial, whether I had faith or no. But alas, poor
wretch, so ignorant and brutish was I, that I knew to this day no more how to do
it, than I know how to begin and accomplish that rare and curious piece of art
which I never yet saw nor considered.
Wherefore, while I was thus considering, and being put to my
plunge about it, for you must know, that as yet I had in this matter broken my
mind to no man, only did hear and consider, the tempter came in with his
delusion, That there was no way for me to know I had faith, but by trying to
work some miracle: urging those Scriptures that seem to look that way, for the
enforcing and strengthening his temptation. Nay, one day as I was betwixt Elstow
and Bedford, the temptation was hot upon me to try if I had faith, by doing of
some miracle: which miracle at that time was this, I must say to the puddles
that were in the horse pads, Be dry; and to the dry places, Be you the puddles.
And truly, one time I was a-going to say so indeed; but just as I was about to
speak, this thought came into my mind, But go under yonder hedge and pray first,
that God would make you able. But when I had concluded to pray, this came hot
upon me, That if I prayed, and came again and tried to do it, and yet did
nothing notwithstanding, then be sure I had no faith, but was a castaway and
lost. Nay, thought I, if it be so, I will never try yet, but will stay a little
longer.
So I continued at a great loss; for I thought, if they only had
faith, which could do so wonderful things, then I concluded that, for the
present, I neither had it, nor yet, for time to come, were ever like to have it.
Thus I was tossed between the devil and my own ignorance, and so perplexed,
especially at some times, that I could not tell what to do.
About this time, the state and happiness of these poor people at
Bedford was thus, in a dream or vision, represented to me. I saw, as if they
were set on the sunny side of some high mountain, there refreshing themselves
with the pleasant beams of the sun, while I was shivering and shrinking in the
cold, afflicted with frost, snow, and dark clouds. Methought, also, betwixt me
and them, I saw a wall that did compass about this mountain; now, through this
wall my soul did greatly desire to pass; concluding, that if I could, I would go
even into the very midst of them, and there also comfort myself with the heat of
their sun.
About this wall I thought myself, to go again and again, still
prying as I went, to see if I could find some way or passage, by which I might
enter therein; but none could I find for some time. At the last, I saw, as it
were, a narrow gap, like a little doorway in the wall, through which I attempted
to pass; but the passage being very strait and narrow, I made many efforts to
get in, but all in vain, even until I was well-nigh quite beat out, by striving
to get in; at last, with great striving, methought I at first did get in my
head, and after that, by a sidling striving, my shoulders, and my whole body;
then I was exceeding glad, and went and sat down in the midst of them, and so
was comforted with the light and heat of their sun.
Now, this mountain and wall, etc., was thus made out to me-the
mountain signified the church of the living God; the sun that shone thereon, the
comfortable shining of His merciful face on them that were therein; the wall, I
thought, was the Word, that did make separation between the Christians and the
world; and the gap which was in this wall, I thought, was Jesus Christ, who is
the way to God the Father (John 14.6; Matt. 7.14). But forasmuch as the passage
was wonderful narrow, even so narrow, that I could not, but with great
difficulty, enter in thereat, it showed me that none could enter into life, but
those that were in downright earnest, and unless they left this wicked world
behind them; for here was only room for body and soul, but not for body and
soul, and sin.
This resemblance abode upon my spirit many days; all which time I
saw myself in a forlorn and sad condition, but yet was provoked to a vehement
hunger and desire to be one of that number that did sit in the sunshine. Now
also I should pray wherever I was, whether at home or abroad, in house or field,
and should also often, with lifting up of heart, sing that of the 51st Psalm, 'O
Lord, consider my distress'; for as yet I knew not where I was.
Neither as yet could I attain to any comfortable persuasion that
I had faith in Christ; but instead of having satisfaction, here I began to find
my soul to be assaulted with fresh doubts about my future happiness; especially
with such as these, Whether I was elected? But how, if the day of grace should
now be past and gone?
By these two temptations I was very much afflicted and
disquieted; sometimes by one, and sometimes by the other of them. And first, to
speak of that about my questioning my election, I found at this time, that
though I was in a flame to find the way to heaven and glory, and though nothing
could beat me off from this, yet this question did so offend and discourage me,
that I was, especially at some times, as if the very strength of my body also
had been taken away by the force and power thereof. This scripture did also seem
to me to trample upon all my desires, 'It is not of him that willeth, nor of him
that runneth, but of God that sheweth mercy' (Rom. 9.16).
With this scripture I could not tell what to do; for I evidently
saw, that unless the great God, of His infinite grace and bounty, had
voluntarily chosen me to be a vessel of mercy, though I should desire, and long
and labour until my heart did break, no good could come of it. Therefore, this
would still stick with me, How can you tell that you are elected? And what if
you should not? How then?
0 Lord, thought I, what if I should not, indeed? It may be you
are not, said the tempter; it may be so, indeed, thought I. Why, then, said
Satan, you had as good leave off, and strive no further; for if, indeed, you
should not be elected and chosen of God, there is no talk of your being saved;
'For it is neither of him that willeth, nor of him that runneth, but of God that
sheweth mercy.'
By these things I was driven to my wits' end, not knowing what to
say, or how to answer these temptations. Indeed, I little thought that Satan had
thus assaulted me, but that rather it was my own prudence, thus to start the
question; for, that the elect only attained eternal life, that I, without
scruple, did heartily close withal; but that myself was one of them, there lay
all the question.
Thus, therefore, for several days, I was greatly assaulted and
perplexed, and was often, when I have been walking, ready to sink where I went,
with faintness in my mind; but one day, after I had been so many weeks oppressed
and cast down therewith, as I was now quite giving up the ghost of all my hopes
of ever attaining life, that sentence fell with weight upon my spirit, 'Look at
the generations of old and see; did ever any trust in the Lord, and was
confounded?'
At which I was greatly lightened and encouraged in my soul; for
thus, at that very instant, it was expounded to me, Begin at the beginning of
Genesis, and read to the end of the Revelations, and see if you can find that
there was ever any that trusted in the Lord, and was confounded. So, coming
home, I presently went to my Bible to see if I could find that saying, not
doubting but to find it presently; for it was so fresh, and with such strength
and comfort on my spirit, that I was as if it talked with me.
Well, I looked, but I found it not; only it abode upon me; then I
did ask first this good man, and then another, if they knew where it was, but
they knew no such place. At this I wondered that such a sentence should so
suddenly, and with such comfort and strength, seize and abide upon my heart, and
yet that none could find it, for I doubted not but it was in holy Scripture.
Thus I continued above a year, and could not find the place; but
at last, casting my eye into the Apocrypha books, I found it in Ecclesiasticus
2.10. This, at the first, did somewhat daunt me; but because, by this time, I
had got more experience of the love and kindness of God, it troubled me the
less; especially when I considered, that though it was not in those texts that
we call holy and canonical, yet forasmuch as this sentence was the sum and
substance of many of the promises, it was my duty to take the comfort of it; and
I bless God for that word, for it was of God to me: that word doth still, at
times, shine before my face.
After this, that other doubt did come with strength upon me, But
how if the day of grace should be past and gone? How if you have overstood the
time of mercy? Now, I remember that one day, as I was walking into the country,
I was much in the thoughts of this, But how if the day of grace be past? And to
aggravate my trouble, the tempter presented to my mind those good people of
Bedford, and suggested thus unto me, That these being converted already, they
were all that God would save in those parts; and that I came too late, for these
had got the blessing before I came.
Now was I in great distress, thinking in very deed that this
might well be so; wherefore I went up and down bemoaning my sad condition,
counting myself far worse than a thousand fools, for standing off thus long, and
spending so many years in sin as I had done; still crying out, Oh, that I had
turned sooner! Oh, that I had turned seven years ago! It made me also angry with
myself, to think that I should have no more wit, but to trifle away my time till
my soul and heaven were lost.
But when I had been long vexed with this fear, and was scarce
able to take one step more, just about the same place where I received my other
encouragement, these words broke in upon my mind, 'Compel them to come in, that
my house may be filled'; 'and yet there is room' (Luke 14.22, 23). These words,
but especially them, 'And yet there is room', were sweet words to me; for,
truly, I thought that by them I saw there was place enough in heaven for me;
and, moreover, that when the Lord Jesus did speak these words, He then did think
of me; and that He, knowing that the time would come that I should be afflicted
with fear that there was no place left for me in His bosom, did before speak
this word, and leave it upon record, that I might find help thereby against this
vile temptation. This, I then verily believed.
In the light and encouragement of this word, I went a pretty
while; and the comfort was the more, when I thought that the Lord Jesus should
think on me so long ago, and that He should speak those words on purpose for my
sake; for I did then think, verily, that He did on purpose speak them, to
encourage me withal.
But I was not without my temptations to go back again;
temptations, I say, both from Satan, mine own heart, and carnal acquaintance;
but I thank God these were outweighed by that sound sense of death and of the
day of judgment, which abode, as it were, continually in my view; I should often
also think on Nebuchadnezzar, of whom it is said, He had given him all the
kingdoms of the earth (Dan. 5.19). Yet, I thought, if this great man had all his
portion in this world, one hour in hell fire would make him forget all. Which
consideration was a great help to me.
I was almost made, about this time, to see something concerning
the beasts that Moses counted clean and unclean. I thought those beasts were
types of men; the clean, types of them that were the people of God; but the
unclean, types of such as were the children of the wicked one. Now, I read that
the clean beasts chewed the cud; that is, thought I, they show us we must feed
upon the Word of God. They also parted the hoof; I thought that signified we
must part, if we would be saved, with the ways of ungodly men. And also, in
further reading about them I found that though we did chew the cud as the hare,
yet if we walked with claws like a dog, or if we did part the hoof like the
swine, yet if we did not chew the cud as the sheep, we were still, for all that,
but unclean; for I thought the hare to be a type of those that talk of the Word,
yet walk in the ways of sin; and that the swine was like him that parted with
his outward pollutions, but still wanteth the Word of faith, without which there
could be no way of salvation, let a man be never so devout (Deut.14). After this
I found, by reading the Word, that those that must be glorified with Christ in
another world must be called by Him here; called to the partaking of a share in
His Word and righteousness, and to the comforts and first fruits of His Spirit,
and to a peculiar interest in all those heavenly things which do indeed fore fit
the soul for that rest and house of glory which is in heaven above.
Here, again, I was at a very great stand, not knowing what to do,
fearing I was not called; for, thought I, if I be not called, what then can do
me good? None but those who are effectually called, inherit the kingdom of
heaven. But oh! how I now loved those words that spake of a Christian's calling!
as when the Lord said to one, 'Follow me', and to another, 'Come after me'. And
oh! thought I, that He would say so to me too, how gladly would I run after him!
I cannot now express with what longings and breakings in my soul
I cried to Christ to call me. Thus I continued for a time, all on a flame to be
converted to Jesus Christ; and did also see at that day, such glory in a
converted state, that I could not be contented without a share therein. Gold!
could it have been gotten for gold, what could I have given for it! had I a
whole world it had all gone ten thousand times over for this, that my soul might
have been in a converted state.
How lovely now was everyone in my eyes that I thought to be
converted men and women! they shone, they walked like a people that carried the
broad seal of heaven about them. Oh! I saw the lot was fallen to them in
pleasant places, and they had a goodly heritage (Ps. 16.6). But that which made
me sick was that of Christ, in Mark, He went up into a mountain and called to
Him whom He would, and they came unto Him (Mark 3.13).
This scripture made me faint and fear, yet it kindled fire in my
soul. That which made me fear was this, lest Christ should have no liking to me,
for He called 'whom he would'. But oh! the glory that I saw in that condition
did still so engage my heart that I could seldom read of any that Christ did
call but I presently wished, Would I had been in their clothes; would I had been
born Peter; would I had been born John; or would I had been by and had heard Him
when He called them, how would I have cried, O Lord, call me also. But oh! I
feared He would not call me.
And truly the Lord let me go thus many months together and showed
me nothing; either that I was already, or should be called hereafter. But at
last, after much time spent, and many groans to God, that I might be made
partaker of the holy and heavenly calling, that Word came in upon me: 'I will
cleanse their blood that I have not cleansed: for the Lord dwelleth in Zion'
(Joel 3.21). These words I thought were sent to encourage me to wait still upon
God, and signified unto me, that if I were not already, yet time might come, I
might be in truth converted to Christ.
About this time I began to break my mind to those poor people in
Bedford, and to tell them my condition, which, when they had heard, they told
Mr. Gifford of me, who himself also took occasion to talk with me, and was
willing to be well persuaded of me, though I think but from little grounds: but
he invited me to his house, where I should hear him confer with others, about
the dealings of God with the soul; from all which I still received more
conviction, and from that time began to see something of the vanity and inward
wretchedness of my wicked heart, for as yet I knew no great matter therein; but
now it began to be discovered unto me, and also to work at that rate for
wickedness as it never did before. Now I evidently found that lusts and
corruptions would strongly put forth themselves within me, in wicked thoughts
and desires, which I did not regard before; my desires for heaven and life began
to fail. I found also, that whereas my soul was full of longing after God, now
my heart began to hanker after every foolish vanity; yea, my heart would not be
moved to mind that that was good; it began to be careless, both of my soul and
heaven; it would now continually hang back, both to, and in every duty; and was
as a clog on the leg of a bird to hinder her from flying.
Nay, thought I, now I grow worse and worse; now am I farther from
conversion than ever I was before. Wherefore I began to sink greatly in my soul,
and began to entertain such discouragement in my heart as laid me low as hell.
If now I should have burned at a stake, I could not believe that Christ had love
for me; alas, I could neither hear Him, nor see Him, nor feel Him, nor savour
any of His things; I was driven as with a tempest, my heart would be unclean,
the Canaanites would dwell in the land.
Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people of God, which,
when they heard, they would pity me, and would tell me of the promises; but they
had as good have told me that I must reach the sun with my finger as have bidden
me receive or rely upon the promise; and as soon as I should have done it, all
my sense and feeling was against me; and I saw I had a heart that would sin, and
that lay under a law that would condemn.
These things have often made me think of that child which the father brought to
Christ, who, while he was yet a-coming to him, was thrown down by the devil, and
also so rent and torn by him that he lay and wallowed, foaming (Luke 9.42, Mark
9.20).
Further, in these days I should find my heart to shut itself up
against the Lord, and against His holy Word. I have found my unbelief to set, as
it were, the shoulder to the door to keep Him out, and that too even then, when
I have with many a bitter sigh cried, Good Lord, break it open; Lord, break
these gates of brass, and cut these bars of iron asunder (Ps. 107.16). Yet that
word would sometimes create in my heart a peaceable pause, 'I girded thee,
though thou hast not known me' (Isa. 45.5).
But all this while as to the act of sinning, I never was more
tender than now; I durst not take a pin or a stick, though but so big as a
straw, for my conscience now was sore, and would smart at every touch; I could
not now tell how to speak my words, for fear I should misplace them. Oh, how
gingerly did I then go in all I did or said! I found myself as on a miry bog
that shook if I did but stir; and was there left both of God and Christ, and the
Spirit, and all good things.
But, I observe, though I was such a great sinner before
conversion, yet God never much charged the guilt of the sins of my ignorance
upon me; only He showed me I was lost if I had not Christ, because I had been a
sinner; I saw that I wanted a perfect righteousness to present me without fault
before God, and this righteousness was nowhere to be found, but in the person of
Jesus Christ.
But my original and inward pollution, that, that was my plague
and my affliction; that, I say, at a dreadful rate, always putting forth itself
within me; that I had the guilt of, to amazement; by reason of that, I was more
loathsome in my own eyes than was a toad; and I thought I was so in God's eyes
too; sin and corruption, I said, would as naturally bubble out of my heart, as
water would bubble out of a fountain. I thought now that everyone had a better
heart than I had; I could have changed heart with anybody; I thought none but
the devil himself could equalize me for inward wickedness and pollution of mind.
I fell, therefore, at the sight of my own vileness, deeply into despair; for I
concluded that this condition that I was in could not stand with a state of
grace. Sure, thought I, I am forsaken of God; sure I am given up to the devil,
and to a reprobate mind; and thus I continued a long while, even for some years
together.
While I was thus afflicted with the fears of my own damnation,
there were two things would make me wonder; the one was, when I saw old people
hunting after the things of this life, as if they should live here always; the
other was, when I found professors much distressed and cast down, when they met
with outward losses, as of husband, wife, child, etc. Lord, thought I, what ado
is here about such little things as these! What seeking after carnal things by
some, and what grief in others for the loss of them! If they so much labour
after, and spend so many tears for the things of this present life, how am I to
be bemoaned, pitied, and prayed for! My soul is dying, my soul is damning. Were
my soul but in a good condition, and were I but sure of it, oh! how rich I
should esteem myself, though blessed but with bread and water; I should count
those but small afflictions, and should bear them as little burdens. 'A wounded
spirit who can bear?'
And though I was thus troubled, and tossed, and afflicted, with
the sight and sense and terror of my own wickedness, yet I was afraid to let
this sight and sense go quite off my mind; for I found that, unless guilt of
conscience was taken off the right way, that is, by the blood of Christ, a man
grew rather worse for the loss of his trouble of mind, than better. Wherefore,
if my guilt lay hard upon me, then I should cry that the blood of Christ might
take it off; and if it was going off without it (for the sense of sin would be
sometimes as if it would die, and go quite away), then I would also strive to
fetch it upon my heart again, by bringing the punishment for sin in hell fire
upon my spirits; and should cry, Lord, let it not go off my heart, but the right
way, but by the blood of Christ, and by the application of Thy mercy, through
Him, to my soul; for that scripture lay much upon me, 'without shedding of blood
is no remission' (Heb. 9.22). And that which made me the more afraid of this
was, because I had seen some who, though when they were under wounds of
conscience, then they would cry and pray; but they seeking rather present ease
from their trouble, than pardon for their sin, cared not how they lost their
guilt, so they got it out of their mind; and, therefore, having got it off the
wrong way, it was not sanctified unto them; but they grew harder and blinder,
and more wicked after their trouble. This made me afraid, and made me cry to God
the more, that it might not be so with me.
And now was I sorry that God had made me a man, for I feared I
was a reprobate; I counted man as unconverted, the most doleful of all the
creatures. Thus being afflicted and tossed about my sad condition, I counted
myself alone, and above the most of men unblessed.
Yea, I thought it impossible that ever I should attain to so much
goodness of heart, as to thank God that He had made me a man. Man indeed is the
most noble by creation, of all creatures in the visible world; but by sin he has
made himself the most ignoble. The beasts, birds, fishes, etc., I blessed their
condition, for they had not a sinful nature, they were not obnoxious in the
sight of God; they were not to go to hell fire after death; I could therefore
have rejoiced had my condition been as any of theirs.
In this condition I went a great while; but when comforting time
was come, I heard one preach a sermon upon those words in the Song 4.1, 'Behold
thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair.' But at that time he made these
two words, 'My love', his chief and subject matter; from which, after he had a
little opened the text, he observed these several conclusions: 1. That the
Church, and so every saved soul, is Christ's love, when loveless. 2. Christ's
love without a cause. 3. Christ's love when hated of the world. 4. Christ's love
when under temptation, and under desertion. 5. Christ's love from first to last.
But I got nothing by what he said at present, only when he came
to the application of the fourth particular, this was the word he said: If it be
so, that the saved soul is Christ's love when under temptation and desertion;
then, poor tempted soul, when thou art assaulted and afflicted with temptation,
and the hidings of God's face, yet think on these two words, 'My love', still.
So as I was a-going home, these words came again into my
thoughts; and I well remember, as I came in, I said thus in my heart, What shall
I get by thinking on these two words? This thought had no sooner passed through
my heart, but the words began thus to kindle in my spirit, 'Thou art my love,
thou art my love', twenty times together; and still as they ran thus in my mind,
they waxed stronger and warmer, and began to make me look up; but being as yet
between hope and fear, I still replied in my heart, But is it true, but is it
true? At which, that sentence fell in upon me, he 'wist not that it was true
which was done by the angel' (Acts 12.9).
Then I began to give place to the word, which, with power, did
over and over make this joyful sound within my soul, Thou art my love, thou art
my love; and nothing shall separate thee from my love; and with that, Rom 8.39
came into my mind. Now was my heart filled full of comfort and hope, and now I
could believe that my sins should be forgiven me; yea, I was now so taken with
the love and mercy of God, that I remember I could not tell how to contain till
I got home; I thought I could have spoken of His love, and of His mercy to me,
even to the very crows that sat upon the ploughed lands before me, had they been
capable to have understood me; wherefore I said in my soul with much gladness,
Well, I would I had a pen and ink here, I would write this down before I go any
farther, for surely I will not forget this forty years hence; but alas! within
less than forty days, I began to question all again; which made me begin to
question all still.
Yet still at times, I was helped to believe that it was a true
manifestation of grace unto my soul, though I had lost much of the life and
savour of it. Now about a week or fortnight after this, I was much followed by
this scripture, 'Simon, Simon, behold Satan hath desired to have you' (Luke
22.31). And sometimes it would sound so loud within me, yea, and as it were call
so strongly after me, that once above all the rest, I turned my head over my
shoulder, thinking verily that some man had, behind me, called to me; being at a
great distance, methought he called so loud; it came, as I have thought since,
to have stirred me up to prayer, and to watchfulness; it came to acquaint me
that a cloud and a storm was coming down upon me, but I understood it not.
Also, as I remember, that time that it called to me so loud, was the last time
that it sounded in mine ear; but methinks I hear still with what a loud voice
these words, Simon, Simon, sounded in mine ears. I thought verily, as I have
told you, that somebody had called after me, that was half a mile behind me; and
although that was not my name, yet it made me suddenly look behind me, believing
that he that called so loud meant me.
But so foolish was I, and ignorant, that I knew not the reason of this sound;
which, as I did both see and feel soon after, was sent from heaven as an alarm,
to awaken me to provide for what was coming; only it would make me muse and
wonder in my mind, to think what should be the reason that this scripture, and
that at this rate, so often and so loud, should still be sounding and rattling
in mine ears; but, as I said before, I soon after perceived the end of God
therein.
For about the space of a month after, a very great storm came
down upon me, which handled me twenty times worse than all I had met with
before; it came stealing upon me, now by one piece, then by another; first, all
my comfort was taken from me, then darkness seized upon me, after which whole
floods of blasphemies, both against God, Christ, and the Scriptures, were poured
upon my spirit, to my great confusion and astonishment. These blasphemous
thoughts were such as also stirred up questions in me, against the very being of
God, and of His only beloved Son; as whether there were, in truth, a God, or
Christ, or no? And whether the holy Scriptures were not rather a fable, and
cunning story, than the holy and pure Word of God?
The tempter would also much assault me with this, How can you
tell but that the Turks had as good Scriptures to prove their Mahomet the
Saviour, as we have to prove our Jesus is? And, could I think, that so many ten
thousands, in so many countries and kingdoms, should be without the knowledge of
the right way to heaven; if there were indeed a heaven, and that we only, who
live in a corner of the earth, should alone be blessed therewith? Everyone doth
think his own religion rightest, both Jews and Moors, and Pagans! and how if all
our faith, and Christ, and Scriptures, should be but a think-so too?
Sometimes I have endeavoured to argue against these suggestions,
and to set some of the sentences of blessed Paul against them; but, alas! I
quickly felt, when I thus did, such arguings as these would return again upon
me, Though we made so great a matter of Paul, and of his words, yet how could I
tell, but that in very deed, he being a subtle and cunning man, might give
himself up to deceive with strong delusions; and also take both that pains and
travail, to undo and destroy his fellows?
These suggestions, with many other which at this time I may not,
nor dare not utter, neither by word nor pen, did make such a seizure upon my
spirit, and did so overweigh my heart, both with their number, continuance, and
fiery force, that I felt as if there were nothing else but these from morning to
night within me; and as though, indeed, there could be room for nothing else;
and also concluded that God had, in very wrath to my soul, given me up unto
them, to be carried away with them, as with a mighty whirlwind.
Only by the distaste that they gave unto my spirit, I felt there
was something in me that refused to embrace them. But this consideration I then
only had, when God gave me leave to swallow my spittle, otherwise the noise, and
strength, and force of these temptations, would drown and overflow, and as it
were bury all such thoughts or the remembrance of any such thing. While I was in
this temptation, I should often find my mind suddenly put upon it, to curse and
swear, or to speak some grievous thing against God, or Christ His Son, and of
the Scriptures.
Now I thought, surely I am possessed of the devil; at other times
again, I thought I should be bereft of my wits; for instead of lauding and
magnifying God the Lord with others, if I have but heard Him spoken of,
presently some most horrible blasphemous thought or other would bolt out of my
heart against Him; so that whether I did think that God was, or again did think
there were no such thing, no love, nor peace, nor gracious disposition could I
feel within me.
These things did sink me into very deep despair; for I concluded,
that such things could not possibly be found amongst them that loved God. I
often, when these temptations have been with force upon me, did compare myself
in the case of such a child, whom some gipsy hath by force took up under her
apron, and is carrying from friend and country; kick sometimes I did, and also
scream and cry; but yet I was as bound in the wings of the temptation, and the
wind would carry me away. I thought also of Saul, and of the evil spirit that
did possess him; and did greatly fear that my condition was the same with that
of his (1 Sam. 16.14).
In these days, when I have heard others talk of what was the sin
against the Holy Ghost, then would the tempter so provoke me to desire to sin
that sin, that I was as if I could not, must not, neither should be quiet until
I had committed that; now, no sin would serve but that; if it were to be
committed by speaking of such a word, then I have been as if my mouth would have
spoken that word, whether I would or no; and in so strong a measure was this
temptation upon me, that often I have been ready to clap my hand under my chin,
to hold my mouth from opening; and to that end also I have had thoughts at other
times, to leap with my head downward, into some muck-hill hole or other, to keep
my mouth from speaking.
Now I blessed the condition of the dog and toad, and counted the
estate of everything that God had made far better than this dreadful state of
mine, and such as my companions was; yea, gladly would I have been in the
condition of dog or horse, for I knew they had no soul to perish under the
everlasting weights of hell for sin, as mine was like to do. Nay, and though I
saw this, felt this, and was broken to pieces with it, yet that which added to
my sorrow was, that I could not find that with all my soul I did desire
deliverance. That scripture did also tear and rend my soul, in the midst of
these distractions, 'The wicked are like the troubled sea, when it cannot rest,
whose waters cast up mire and dirt. There is no peace, saith my God, to the
wicked' (Isa. 57.20, 21).
And now my heart was, at times, exceeding hard; if I would have
given a thousand pounds for a tear, I could not shed one; no, nor sometimes
scarce desire to shed one. I was much dejected to think that this should be my
lot. I saw some could mourn and lament their sin; and others, again, could
rejoice, and bless God for Christ; and others, again, could quietly talk of, and
with gladness remember, the Word of God; while I only was in the storm or
tempest. This much sunk me; I thought my condition was alone. I should,
therefore, much bewail my hard hap; but get out of, or get rid of, these things,
I could not.
While this temptation lasted, which was about a year, I could
attend upon none of the ordinances of God but with sore and great affliction.
Yea, then was I most distressed with blasphemies; if I have been hearing the
Word, then uncleanness, blasphemies and despair would hold me as captive there;
if I have been reading, then, sometimes, I had sudden thoughts to question all I
read; sometimes, again, my mind would be so strangely snatched away, and
possessed with other things, that I have neither known, nor regarded, nor
remembered so much as the sentence that but now I have read.
In prayer, also, I have been greatly troubled at this time;
sometimes I have thought I should see the devil; nay, thought I have felt him,
behind me, pull my clothes; he would be, also, continually at me in the time of
prayer to have done; break off, make haste, you have prayed enough, and stay no
longer, still drawing my mind away. Sometimes, also, he would cast in such
wicked thoughts as these: that I must pray to him, or for him. I have thought
sometimes of that-Fall down, or, 'if thou wilt fall down and worship me' (Matt.
4.9).
Also, when, because I have had wandering thoughts in the time of
this duty, I have laboured to compose my mind and fix it upon God, then, with
great force, hath the tempter laboured to distract me, and confound me, and to
turn away my mind, by presenting to my heart and fancy the form of a bush, a
bull, a besom, or the like, as if I should pray to those; to these he would,
also, at some times especially, so hold my mind that I was as if I could think
of nothing else, or pray to nothing else but to these, or such as they.
Yet, at times I should have some strong and heart-affecting
apprehensions of God, and the reality of the truth of His gospel; but, oh! how
would my heart, at such times, put forth itself with inexpressible groanings. My
whole soul was then in every word; I should cry with pangs after God that He
would be merciful unto me; but then I should be daunted again with such conceits
as these: I should think that God did mock at these, my prayers, saying, and
that in the audience of the holy angels, This poor simple wretch doth hanker
after Me as if I had nothing to do with My mercy but to bestow it on such as he.
Alas, poor fool! how art thou deceived; It is not for such as thee to have
favour with the Highest.
Then hath the tempter come upon me, also, with such
discouragements as these: You are very hot for mercy, but I will cool you; this
frame shall not last always; many have been as hot as you for a spirit, but I
have quenched their zeal. And with this, such and such who were fallen off would
be set before mine eyes. Then I should be afraid that I should do so too; but,
thought I, I am glad this comes into my mind. Well, I will watch, and take what
heed I can. Though you do, said Satan, I shall be too hard for you; I will cool
you insensibly, by degrees, by little and little. What care I, saith he, though
I be seven years in chilling your heart if I can do it at last? Continual
rocking will lull a crying child asleep. I will ply it close, but I will have my
end accomplished. Though you be burning hot at present, yet, if I can pull you
from this fire, I shall have you cold before it be long.
These things brought me into great straits; for as I at present could not find
myself fit for present death, so I thought to live long would make me yet more
unfit; for time would make me forget all, and wear even the remembrance of the
evil of sin, the worth of heaven, and the need I had of the blood of Christ to
wash me, both out of mind and thought; but I thank Christ Jesus these things did
not at present make me slack my crying, but rather did put me more upon it, like
her who met with the adulterer (Deut. 22.27); in which days that was a good word
to me after I had suffered these things a while: 'I am persuaded that
neither_5height, nor depth, nor life,' etc., 'shall_5separate us from the love
of God, which is in Christ Jesus' (Rom. 8.38). And now I hoped long life should
not destroy me, nor make me miss of heaven.
Yet I had some supports in this temptation, though they were then
all questioned by me; that in the third of Jeremiah, at the first, was something
to me, and so was the consideration of the fifth verse of that chapter; that
though we have spoken and done as evil things as we could, yet we should cry
unto God, 'My Father, Thou art the guide of my youth'; and should return unto
Him.
I had, also, once a sweet glance from that in II Cor. 5.21: 'For
he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the
righteousness of God in him.' I remember, also, that one day as I was sitting in
a neighbour's house, and there very sad at the consideration of my many
blasphemies, and as I was saying in my mind, What ground have I to think that I,
who have been so vile and abominable, should ever inherit eternal life? that
word came suddenly upon me, 'What shall we then say to these things? If God be
for us, who can be against us?' (Rom. 8.31). That, also, was an help unto me,
'Because I live, ye shall live also' (John 14.19). But these were but hints,
touches, and short visits, though very sweet when present; only they lasted not;
but, like to Peter's sheet, of a sudden were caught up from me to heaven again
(Acts 10.16).
But afterwards the Lord did more fully and graciously discover Himself unto me;
and, indeed, did quite, not only deliver me from the guilt that, by these
things, was laid upon my conscience, but also from the very filth thereof; for
the temptation was removed, and I was put into my right mind again, as other
Christians were.
I remember that one day, as I was travelling into the country and musing on the
wickedness and blasphemy of my heart, and considering of the enmity that was in
me to God, that scripture came in my mind, He hath 'made peace through the blood
of his cross' (Col. 1.20). By which I was made to see, both again, and again,
and again, that day, that God and my soul were friends by this blood; yea, I saw
that the justice of God and my sinful soul could embrace and kiss each other
through this blood. This was a good day to me; I hope I shall not forget it.
At another time, as I sat by the fire in my house, and musing on my
wretchedness, the Lord made that also a precious word unto me, 'Forasmuch, then,
as the children are partakers of flesh and blood, he also himself likewise took
part of the same; that through death he might destroy him that had the power of
death, that is, the devil, and deliver them who, through fear of death, were all
their lifetime subject to bondage' (Heb. 2.14, 15). I thought that the glory of
these words was then so weighty on me that I was, both once and twice, ready to
swoon as I sat; yet not with grief and trouble, but with solid joy and peace.
At this time, also, I sat under the ministry of holy Mr. Gifford, whose
doctrine, by God's grace, was much for my stability. This man made it much his
business to deliver the people of God from all those faults and unsound rests
that, by nature, we are prone to take and make to our souls. He pressed up to
take special heed that we took not up any truth upon trust-as from this, or
that, or any other man or men- but to cry mightily to God that He would convince
us of the reality thereof, and set us down therein, by His own Spirit, in the
holy Word; for, said he, if you do otherwise when temptations come, if strongly,
you, not having received them with evidence from heaven, will find you want that
help and strength now to resist as once you thought you had.
This was as seasonable to my soul as the former and latter rain in their season;
for I had found, and that by sad experience, the truth of these his words; for I
had felt what no man can say, especially when tempted by the devil, that Jesus
Christ is Lord but by the Holy Ghost. Wherefore I found my soul, through grace,
very apt to drink in this doctrine, and to incline to pray to God that, in
nothing that pertained to God's glory and my own eternal happiness, He would
suffer me to be without the confirmation thereof from heaven; for now I saw
clearly there was an exceeding difference betwixt the notions of flesh and
blood, and the revelations of God in heaven; also, a great difference between
that faith that is feigned, and according to man's wisdom, and of that which
comes by a man's being born thereto of God (Matt. 16.15- 17; 1 John 5.1).
But, oh! now, how was my soul led from truth to truth by God! even from the
birth and cradle of the Son of God to His ascension and second coming from
heaven to judge the world.
Truly, I then found, upon this account, the great God was very good unto me;
for, to my remembrance, there was not anything that I then cried unto God to
make known and reveal unto me but He was pleased to do it for me; I mean not one
part of the gospel of the Lord Jesus, but I was orderly led into it. Methought I
saw with great evidence, from the relation of the four evangelists, the
wonderful work of God, in giving Jesus Christ to save us, from His conception
and birth even to His second coming to judgment. Methought I was as if I had
seen Him born, as if I had seen Him grow up, as if I had seen Him walk through
this world, from the cradle to His cross: to which, also, when He came, I saw
how gently He gave Himself to be hanged and nailed on it for my sins and wicked
doings. Also, as I was musing on this, His progress, that dropped on my spirit,
He was ordained for the slaughter (1 Pet. 1.19, 20).
When I have considered also the truth of His resurrection, and have remembered
that word, 'Touch me not, Mary,' etc., I have seen as if He leaped at the
grave's mouth for joy that He was risen again, and had got the conquest over our
dreadful foes (John 20.17). I have also, in the spirit, seen Him a man on the
right hand of God the Father for me, and have seen the manner of His coming from
heaven to judge the world with glory, and have been confirmed in these things by
these scriptures following, Acts 1.9, 10; 7.56; 10.42; Heb. 7.24; 8.3; Rev.
1.18; 1 Thess. 4.17, 18.
Once I was much troubled to know whether the Lord Jesus was both man as well as
God, and God as well as man; and truly, in those days, let men say what they
would, unless I had it with evidence from heaven, all was as nothing to me, I
counted not myself set down in any truth of God. Well, I was much troubled about
this point, and could not tell how to be resolved; at last, that in the fifth of
the Revelations came into my mind, 'And I beheld, and lo, in the midst of the
throne and of the four beasts, and in the midst of the elders, stood a Lamb.' In
the midst of the throne, thought I, there is His Godhead; in the midst of the
elders, there is His manhood; but oh! methought this did glister! it was a
goodly touch, and gave me sweet satisfaction. That other scripture also did help
me much in this, 'To us a child is born, unto us a son is given; and the
government shall be on his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful,
Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace,' etc.
(Isa. 9.6).
Also, besides these teachings of God in His Word, the Lord made use of two
things to confirm me in these things; the one was the errors of the Quakers, and
the other was the guilt of sin; for as the Quakers did oppose His truth, so God
did the more confirm me in it, by leading me into the scriptures that did
wonderfully maintain it.
The errors that this people then maintained were: 1. That the holy Scriptures
were not the Word of God. 2. That every man in the world had the spirit of
Christ, grace, faith, etc. 3. That Christ Jesus, as crucified, and dying 1600
years ago, did not satisfy divine justice for the sins of the people. 4. That
Christ's flesh and blood was within the saints. 5. That the bodies of the good
and bad that are buried in the churchyard shall not arise again. 6. That the
resurrection is past with good men already. 7. That that man Jesus, that was
crucified between two thieves on Mount Calvary, in the land of Canaan, by
Jerusalem, was not ascended up above the starry heavens. 8. That He should not,
even the same Jesus that died by the hands of the Jews, come again at the last
day, and as man judge all nations, etc.
Many more vile and abominable things were in those days fomented by them, by
which I was driven to a more narrow search of the Scriptures, and was, through
their light and testimony, not only enlightened, but greatly confirmed and
comforted in the truth; and, as I said, the guilt of sin did help me much, for
still as that would come upon me, the blood of Christ did take it off again, and
again, and again, and that too, sweetly, according to the Scriptures. O friends!
cry to God to reveal Jesus Christ unto you; there is none teacheth like Him.
It would be too long for me here to stay, to tell you in particular how God did
set me down in all the things of Christ, and how He did, that He might do so,
lead me into His words; yea, and also how He did open them unto me, make them
shine before me, and comfort me over and over, both of His own being, and the
being of His Son, and Spirit, and Word, and gospel.
Only this, as I said before I will say unto you again, that in general He was
pleased to take this course with me; first, to suffer me to be afflicted with
temptation concerning them, and then reveal them to me: as sometimes I should
lie under great guilt for sin, even crushed to the ground therewith, and then
the Lord would show me the death of Christ; yea, and so sprinkle my conscience
with His blood, that I should find, and that before I was aware, that in that
conscience where but just now did reign and rage the law, even there would rest
and abide the peace and love of God through Christ.
Now had I an evidence, as I thought, of my salvation from heaven, with many
golden seals thereon, all hanging in my sight; now could I remember this
manifestation and the other discovery of grace, with comfort; and should often
long and desire that the last day were come, that I might for ever be inflamed
with the sight, and joy, and communion with Him whose head was crowned with
thorns, whose face was spit on, and body broken, and soul made an offering for
my sins: for whereas, before, I lay continually trembling at the mouth of hell,
now methought I was got so far therefrom that I could not, when I looked back,
scarce discern it; and oh! thought I, that I were fourscore years old now, that
I might die quickly, that my soul might be gone to rest.
But before I had got thus far out of these my temptations, I did greatly long to
see some ancient godly man's experience, who had writ some hundreds of years
before I was born; for those who had writ in our days, I thought, but I desire
them now to pardon me, that they had writ only that which others felt, or else
had, through the strength of their wits and parts, studied to answer such
objections as they perceived others were perplexed with, without going down
themselves into the deep. Well, after many such longings in my mind, the God in
whose hands are all our days and ways, did cast into my hand, one day, a book of
Martin Luther; it was his comment on the Galatians-it also was so old that it
was ready to fall piece from piece if I did but turn it over. Now I was pleased
much that such an old book had fallen into my hands; the which, when I had but a
little way perused, I found my condition, in his experience, so largely and
profoundly handled, as if his book had been written out of my heart. This made
me marvel; for thus thought I, This man could not know anything of the state of
Christians now, but must needs write and speak the experience of former days.
Besides, he doth most gravely, also, in that book, debate of the rise of these
temptations, namely, blasphemy, desperation, and the like; showing that the law
of Moses as well as the devil, death, and hell hath a very great hand therein,
the which, at first, was very strange to me; but considering and watching, I
found it so indeed. But of particulars here I intend nothing; only this,
methinks, I must let fall before all men, I do prefer this book of Martin Luther
upon the Galatians, excepting the Holy Bible, before all the books that ever I
have seen, as most fit for a wounded conscience.
And now I found, as I thought, that I loved Christ dearly; oh! methought my soul
cleaved unto Him, my affections cleaved unto Him, I felt love unto Him as hot as
fire; and now, as Job said, I thought I should die in my nest; but I did quickly
find that my great love was but little, and that I, who had, as I thought, such
burning love to Jesus Christ, could let Him go again for a very trifle; God can
tell how to abase us, and can hide pride from man. Quickly after this my love
was tried to purpose.
For after the Lord had, in this manner, thus graciously delivered me from this
great and sore temptation, and had set me down so sweetly in the faith of His
holy gospel, and had given me such strong consolation and blessed evidence from
heaven touching my interest in His love through Christ; the tempter came upon me
again, and that with a more grievous and dreadful temptation than before.
And that was, To sell and part with this most blessed Christ, to exchange Him
for the things of this life, for anything. The temptation lay upon me for the
space of a year, and did follow me so continually that I was not rid of it one
day in a month, no, not sometimes one hour in many days together, unless when I
was asleep.
And though, in my judgment, I was persuaded that those who were once effectually
in Christ, as I hoped, through His grace, I had seen myself, could never lose
Him for ever-for 'the land shall not be sold for ever, for the land is mine,'
saith God (Lev. 25.23)-yet it was a continual vexation to me to think that I
should have so much as one such thought within me against a Christ, a Jesus,
that had done for me as He had done; and yet then I had almost none others, but
such blasphemous ones.
But it was neither my dislike of the thought, nor yet any desire and endeavour
to resist it that in the least did shake or abate the continuation, or force and
strength thereof; for it did always, in almost whatever I thought, intermix
itself therewith in such sort that I could neither eat my food, stoop for a pin,
chop a stick, or cast mine eye to look on this, or that, but still the
temptation would come, Sell Christ for this, or sell Christ for that; sell Him,
sell Him.
Sometimes it would run in my thoughts, not so little as a hundred times
together, Sell Him, sell Him, sell Him; against which I may say, for whole hours
together, I have been forced to stand as continually leaning and forcing my
spirit against it, lest haply, before I were aware, some wicked thought might
arise in my heart that might consent thereto; and sometimes also the tempter
would make me believe I had consented to it, then should I be as tortured upon a
rack for whole days together.
This temptation did put me to such scares, lest I should at sometimes, I say,
consent thereto, and be overcome therewith, that by the very force of my mind in
labouring to gainsay and resist this wickedness, my very body also would be put
into action or motion by way of pushing or thrusting with my hands or elbows,
still answering as fast as the destroyer said, Sell Him; I will not, I will not,
I will not, I will not; no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands of worlds.
Thus reckoning lest I should in the midst of these assaults, set too low a value
of Him, even until I scarce well knew where I was, or how to be composed again.
At these seasons he would not let me eat my food at quiet; but, forsooth, when I
was set at the table at my meat, I must go hence to pray; I must leave my food
now, and just now, so counterfeit holy also would this devil be. When I was thus
tempted, I should say in myself, Now I am at my meat, let me make an end. No,
said he, you must do it now, or you will displease God, and despise Christ.
Wherefore I was much afflicted with these things; and because of the sinfulness
of my nature, imagining that these things were impulses from God, I should deny
to do it, as if I denied God; and then should I be as guilty, because I did not
obey a temptation of the devil, as if I had broken the law of God indeed.
But to be brief, one morning, as I did lie in my bed, I was, at other times,
most fiercely assaulted with this temptation, to sell and part with Christ; the
wicked suggestion still running in my mind, Sell Him, sell Him, sell Him, sell
Him, sell Him, as fast as a man could speak; against which also, in my mind, as
at other times, I answered, No, no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands, at
least twenty times together. But at last, after much striving, even until I was
almost out of breath, I felt this thought pass through my heart, Let Him go, if
He will! and I thought also, that I felt my heart freely consent thereto. Oh,
the diligence of Satan! Oh, the desperateness of man's heart!
Now was the battle won, and down I fell, as a bird that is shot from the top of
a tree, into great guilt, and fearful despair. Thus getting out of my bed, I
went moping into the field; but God knows, with as heavy a heart as mortal man,
I think, could bear; where, for the space of two hours, I was like a man bereft
of life, and as now past all recovery, and bound over to eternal punishment.
And withal, that scripture did seize upon my soul, 'Or profane person, as Esau,
who for one morsel of meat, sold his birthright; for ye know, how that
afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected; for he
found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears' (Heb.
12.16,17).
Now was I as one bound, I felt myself shut up unto the judgment to come; nothing
now for two years together would abide with me, but damnation, and an
expectation of damnation; I say, nothing now would abide with me but this, save
some few moments for relief, as in the sequel you will see.
These words were to my soul like fetters of brass to my legs, in the continual
sound of which I went for several months together. But about ten or eleven
o'clock one day, as I was walking under a hedge, full of sorrow and guilt, God
knows, and bemoaning myself for this hard hap that such a thought should arise
within me; suddenly this sentence bolted in upon me, The blood of Christ remits
all guilt. At this I made a stand in my spirit; with that, this word took hold
upon me, 'The blood of Jesus Christ, his Son, cleanseth us from all sin' (1 John
1.7).
Now I began to conceive peace in my soul, and methought I saw as if the tempter
did leer and steal away from me, as being ashamed of what he had done. At the
same time also I had my sin, and the blood of Christ thus represented to me,
that my sin, when compared to the blood of Christ, was no more to it, than this
little clot or stone before me, is to this vast and wide field that here I see.
This gave me good encouragement for the space of two or three hours; in which
time also, methought I saw, by faith, the Son of God, as suffering for my sins;
but because it tarried not, I therefore sunk in my spirit, under exceeding guilt
again.
But chiefly by the afore-mentioned scripture, concerning Esau's selling of his
birthright; for that scripture would lie all day long, all the week long, yea,
all the year long in my mind, and hold me down, so that I could by no means lift
up myself; for when I would strive to turn me to this scripture, or that, for
relief, still that sentence would be sounding in me, 'For ye know, how that
afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing_5he found no place of
repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears.'
Sometimes, also, I should have a touch from that in Luke 22.32, 'I have prayed
for thee, that thy faith fail not'; but it would not abide upon me; neither
could I indeed, when I considered my state, find ground to conceive in the
least, that there should be the root of that grace within me, having sinned as I
had done. Now was I torn and rent in heavy case, for many days together.
Then began I with sad and careful heart, to consider of the nature and largeness
of my sin, and to search in the Word of God, if I could in any place espy a word
of promise, or any encouraging sentence by which I might take relief. Wherefore
I began to consider that third of Mark, All manner of sins and blasphemies shall
be forgiven unto the sons of men, wherewith soever they shall blaspheme. Which
place, methought, at a blush, did contain a large and glorious promise, for the
pardon of high offences; but considering the place more fully, I thought it was
rather to be understood as relating more chiefly to those who had, while in a
natural state, committed such things as there are mentioned; but not to me, who
had not only received light and mercy, but that had, both after, and also
contrary to that, so slighted Christ as I had done.
I feared therefore that this wicked sin of mine might be that sin unpardonable,
of which he there thus speaketh, 'But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy
Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation' (Mark
3.29). And I did the rather give credit to this, because of that sentence in the
Hebrews, 'For ye know, how that afterward, when he would have inherited the
blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place of repentance, though he sought
it carefully with tears.' And this stuck always with me.
And now was I both a burden and a terror to myself, nor did I ever so know, as
now, what it was to be weary of my life, and yet afraid to die. Oh, how gladly
now would I have been anybody but myself! Anything but a man! and in any
condition but mine own! for there was nothing did pass more frequently over my
mind, than that it was impossible for me to be forgiven my transgression, and to
be saved from wrath to come.
And now began I to labour to call again time that was past; wishing a thousand
times twice told, that the day was yet to come, when I should be tempted to such
a sin; concluding with great indignation, both against my heart, and all
assaults, how I would rather have been torn in pieces, than found a consenter
thereto. But alas! these thoughts, and wishings, and resolvings, were now too
late to help me; the thought had passed my heart, God hath let me go, and I am
fallen. Oh! thought I, 'that it was with me as in months past, as in the days
when God preserved me!' (Job 29.2).
Then again, being loath and unwilling to perish, I began to compare my sin with
others, to see if I could find that any of those that were saved had done as I
had done. So I considered David's adultery and murder, and found them most
heinous crimes; and those too committed after light and grace received; but yet
by considering, I perceived that his transgressions were only such as were
against the law of Moses; from which the Lord Christ could, with the consent of
His Word, deliver him; but mine was against the gospel, yea, against the
Mediator thereof; I had sold my Saviour.
Now again should I be as if racked upon the wheel, when I considered, that,
besides the guilt that possessed me, I should be so void of grace, so bewitched.
What, thought I, must it be no sin but this? Must it needs be the great
transgression (Ps. 19.13)? Must that wicked one touch my soul (1 John 5.18)? Oh,
what stings did I find in all these sentences!
What, thought I, is there but one sin that is unpardonable? But one sin that
layeth the soul without the reach of God's mercy; and must I be guilty of that?
Must it needs be that? Is there but one sin among so many millions of sins, for
which there is no forgiveness; and must I commit this? Oh, unhappy sin! Oh,
unhappy man! These things would so break and confound my spirit, that I could
not tell what to do; I thought, at times, they would have broke my wits; and
still, to aggravate my misery, that would run in my mind, 'Ye know how that
afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected.' Oh! none
knows the terrors of those days but myself.
After this I came to consider of Peter's sin, which he committed in denying his
Master; and indeed, this came nighest to mine, of any that I could find; for he
had denied his Saviour, as I, and that after light and mercy received; yea, and
that too, after warning given him. I also considered, that he did it both once
and twice; and that, after time to consider betwixt. But though I put all these
circumstances together, that, if possible, I might find help, yet I considered
again, that his was but a denial of his Master, but mine was a selling of my
Saviour. Wherefore I thought with myself, that I came nearer to Judas, than
either to David or Peter.
Here again my torment would flame out and afflict me; yea, it would grind me, as
it were, to powder, to discern the preservation of God towards others, while I
fell into the snare; for in my thus considering of other men's sins, and
comparing of them with my own, I could evidently see how God preserved them,
notwithstanding their wickedness, and would not let them, as he had let me, to
become a son of perdition.
But oh, how did my soul, at this time, prize the preservation that God did set
about his people! Ah, how safely did I see them walk, whom God had hedged in!
They were within His care, protection, and special providence; though they were
full as bad as I by nature; yet because He loved them, He would not suffer them
to fall without the range of mercy; but as for me, I was gone, I had done it; He
would not preserve me, nor keep me; but suffered me, because I was a reprobate,
to fall as I had done. Now, did those blessed places, that spake of God's
keeping His people, shine like the sun before me, though not to comfort me, but
to show me the blessed state and heritage of those whom the Lord had blessed.
Now I saw, that as God had His hand in all providences and dispensation that
overtook His elect, so He had His hand in all the temptations that they had to
sin against Him, not to animate them unto wickedness, but to choose their
temptations and troubles for them; and also to leave them, for a time, to such
sins only as might not destroy, but humble them; as might not put them beyond,
but lay them in the way of the renewing of His mercy. But oh, what love, what
care, what kindness and mercy did I now see, mixing itself with the most severe
and dreadful of all God's ways to His people! He would let David, Hezekiah,
Solomon, Peter, and others fall, but He would not let them fall into sin
unpardonable, nor into hell for sin. Oh! thought I, these be the men that God
hath loved; these be the men that God, though He chastiseth them, keeps them in
safety by Him, and them whom He makes to abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
But all these thoughts added sorrow, grief, and horror to me, as whatever I now
thought on, it was killing to me. If I thought how God kept His own, that was
killing to me. If I thought of how I was falling myself, that was killing to me.
As all things wrought together for the best, and to do good to them that were
the called, according to His purpose; so I thought that all things wrought for
my damage, and for my eternal overthrow.
Then, again, I began to compare my sin with the sin of Judas, that, if possible,
I might find that mine differed from that which, in truth, is unpardonable. And,
oh! thought I, if it should differ from it, though but the breadth of an hair,
what a happy condition is my soul in! And, by considering, I found that Judas
did his intentionally, but mine was against my prayer and strivings; besides,
his was committed with much deliberation, but mine in a fearful hurry, on a
sudden; all this while I was tossed to and fro, like the locusts, and driven
from trouble to sorrow; hearing always the sound of Esau's fall in mine ears,
and of the dreadful consequences thereof.
Yet this consideration about Judas, his sin, was, for a while, some little
relief unto me; for I saw I had not, as to the circumstances, transgressed so
foully as he. But this was quickly gone again, for, I thought with myself, there
might be more ways than one to commit the unpardonable sin; also I thought that
there might be degrees of that, as well as of other transgressions; wherefore,
for aught I yet could perceive, this iniquity of mine might be such, as might
never be passed by.
I was often now ashamed, that I should be like such an ugly man as Judas; I
thought, also, how loathsome I should be unto all the saints at the day of
judgment; insomuch, that now I could scarce see a good man, that I believed had
a good conscience, but I should feel my heart tremble at him, while I was in his
presence. Oh! now I saw a glory in walking with God, and what a mercy it was to
have a good conscience before Him.
I was much about this time tempted to content myself, by receiving some false
opinion; as that there should be no such thing as a day of judgment, that we
should not rise again, and that sin was no such grievous thing; the tempter
suggesting thus, For if these things should indeed be true, yet to believe
otherwise, would yield you ease for the present. If you must perish, never
torment yourself so much beforehand; drive the thoughts of damning out of your
mind, by possessing your mind with some such conclusions that Atheists and
Ranters do use to help themselves withal.
But oh! when such thoughts have led through my heart, how, as it were, within a
step, hath death and judgment been in my view; methought the judge stood at the
door, I was as if it was come already; so that such things could have no
entertainment. But, methinks, I see by this, that Satan will use any means to
keep the soul from Christ; he loveth not an awakened frame of spirit; security,
blindness, darkness, and error is the very kingdom and habitation of the wicked
one.
I found it hard work now to pray to God, because despair was swallowing me up; I
thought I was, as with a tempest, driven away from God, for always when I cried
to God for mercy, this would come in, It is too late, I am lost, God hath let me
fall; not to my correction, but condemnation; my sin is unpardonable; and I
know, concerning Esau, how that, after he had sold his birthright, he would have
received the blessing, but was rejected. About this time, I did light on that
dreadful story of that miserable mortal, Francis Spira; a book that was to my
troubled spirit as salt, when rubbed into a fresh wound; every sentence in that
book, every groan of that man, with all the rest of his actions in his dolours,
as his tears, his prayers, his gnashing of teeth, his wringing of hands, his
twining and twisting, languishing and pining away under that mighty hand of God
that was upon him, was as knives and daggers in my soul; especially that
sentence of his was frightful to me, Man knows the beginning of sin, but who
bounds the issues thereof? Then would the former sentence, as the conclusion of
all, fall like a hot thunderbolt again upon my conscience; 'for you know how
that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected; for
he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears.'
Then was I struck into a very great trembling, insomuch that at sometimes I
could, for whole days together, feel my very body, as well as my mind, to shake
and totter under the sense of the dreadful judgment of God, that should fall on
those that have sinned that most fearful and unpardonable sin. I felt also such
a clogging and heat at my stomach, by reason of this my terror, that I was,
especially at some times, as if my breast bone would have split in sunder; then
I thought of that concerning Judas, who, by his falling headlong, burst asunder,
and all his bowels gushed out (Acts 1:18).
I feared also that this was the mark that the Lord did set on Cain, even
continued fear and trembling, under the heavy load of guilt that he had charged
on him for the blood of his brother Abel. Thus did I wind, and twine, and
shrink, under the burden that was upon me; which burden also did so oppress me,
that I could neither stand, nor go, nor lie, either at rest or quiet.
Yet that saying would sometimes come to my mind, He hath received gifts for the
rebellious (Ps. 68.18). 'The rebellious,' thought I; why, surely they are such
as once were under subjection to their prince, even those who, after they have
sworn subjection to his government, have taken up arms against him; and this,
thought I, is my very condition; once I loved Him, feared Him, served Him; but
now I am a rebel; I have sold Him, I have said, Let Him go if He will; but yet
He has gifts for rebels, and then why not for me?
This sometimes I thought on, and should labour to take hold thereof, that some,
though small, refreshment might have been conceived by me; but in this also I
missed of my desire, I was driven with force beyond it, I was like a man that is
going to the place of execution, even by that place where he would fain creep in
and hide himself, but may not.
Again, after I had thus considered the sins of the saints in particular, and
found mine went beyond them, then I began to think thus with myself: Set the
case I should put all theirs together, and mine alone against them, might I not
then find some encouragement? For if mine, though bigger than any one, yet
should but be equal to all, then there is hopes; for that blood that hath virtue
enough in it to wash away all theirs, hath also virtue enough in it to do away
mine, though this one be full as big, if no bigger, than all theirs. Here,
again, I should consider the sin of David, of Solomon, of Manasseh, of Peter,
and the rest of the great offenders; and should also labour, what I might with
fairness, to aggravate and heighten their sins by several circumstances: but,
alas! it was all in vain.
I should think with myself that David shed blood to cover his adultery, and that
by the sword of the children of Ammon; a work that could not be done but by
continuance and deliberate contrivance, which was a great aggravation to his
sin. But then this would turn upon me: Ah! but these were but sins against the
law, from which there was a Jesus sent to save them; but yours is a sin against
the Saviour, and who shall save you from that?
Then I thought on Solomon, and how he sinned in loving strange women, in falling
away to their idols, in building them temples, in doing this after light, in his
old age, after great mercy received; but the same conclusion that cut me off in
the former consideration, cut me off as to this; namely, that all those were but
sins against the law, for which God had provided a remedy; but I had sold my
Saviour, and there now remained no more sacrifice for sin.
I would then add to those men's sins, the sins of Manasseh, how that he built
altars for idols in the house of the Lord; he also observed times, used
enchantments, had to do with wizards, was a wizard, had his familiar spirits,
burned his children in the fire in sacrifice to devils, and made the streets of
Jerusalem run down with the blood of innocents. These, I thought, are great
sins, sins of a bloody colour; yea, it would turn again upon me: They are none
of them of the nature of yours; you have parted with Jesus, you have sold your
Saviour.
This one consideration would always kill my heart, My sin was point-blank
against my Saviour; and that too, at that height, that I had in my heart said of
Him, Let Him go if He will. Oh! methought, this sin was bigger than the sins of
a country, of a kingdom, or of the whole world, no one pardonable, nor all of
them together, was able to equal mine; mine outwent them every one.
Now I should find my mind to flee from God, as from the face of a dreadful
judge; yet this was my torment, I could not escape His hand: 'It is a fearful
thing to fall into the hands of the living God' (Heb. 10.31). But blessed be His
grace, that scripture, in these flying sins, would call as running after me, 'I
have blotted out, as a thick cloud, thy transgressions; and, as a cloud, thy
sins: return unto me, for I have redeemed thee' (Isa. 44.22). This, I say, would
come in upon my mind, when I was fleeing from the face of God; for I did flee
from His face, that is, my mind and spirit fled before Him; by reason of His
highness, I could not endure; then would the text cry, 'Return unto me, for I
have redeemed thee.' Indeed, this would make me make a little stop, and, as it
were, look over my shoulder behind me, to see if I could discern that the God of
grace did follow me with a pardon in His hand, but I could no sooner do that,
but all would be clouded and darkened again by that sentence, 'For you know how
that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he found no place of
repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears.' Wherefore I could not
return, but fled, though at sometimes it cried 'Return, return', as if it did
holloa after me. But I feared to close in therewith, lest it should not come
from God; for that other, as I said was still sounding in my conscience, 'For
you know how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was
rejected', etc.
Once as I was walking to and fro in a good man's shop, bemoaning of myself in my
sad and doleful state, afflicting myself with self- abhorrence for this wicked
and ungodly thought; lamenting, also, this hard hap of mine, for that I should
commit so great a sin; greatly fearing I would not be pardoned; praying, also,
in my heart, that if this sin of mine did differ from that against the Holy
Ghost, the Lord would show it me. And being now ready to sink with fear,
suddenly there was, as if there had rushed in at the window, the noise of wind
upon me, but very pleasant, and as if I heard a voice speaking, Didst ever
refuse to be justified by the blood of Christ? And withal my whole life and
profession past was, in a moment, opened to me, wherein I was made to see that
designedly I had not; so my heart answered groaningly, No. Then fell, with
power, that word of God upon me, 'See that ye refuse not him that speaketh'(Heb.
12.25). This made a strange seizure upon my spirit; it brought light with it,
and commanded a silence in my heart of all those tumultuous thoughts that before
did use, like masterless hell- hounds, to roar and bellow, and make a hideous
noise within me. It showed me, also, that Jesus Christ had yet a word of grace
and mercy for me, that He had not, as I had feared, quite forsaken and cast off
my soul; yea, this was a kind of chide for my proneness to desperation; a kind
of a threatening me if I did not, notwithstanding my sins and the heinousness of
them, venture my salvation upon the Son of God. But as to my determining about
this strange dispensation, what it was I knew not; from whence it came I knew
not. I have not yet, in twenty years' time, been able to make a judgment of it;
I thought then what here I shall be loath to speak. But verily, that sudden
rushing wind was as if an angel had come upon me; but both it and the salvation
I will leave until the day of judgment; only this I say, it commanded a great
calm in my soul, it persuaded me there might be hope; it showed me, as I
thought, what the sin unpardonable was, and that my soul had yet the blessed
privilege to flee to Jesus for mercy. But, I say, concerning this dispensation,
I know not what yet to say unto it; which was, also, in truth, the cause that,
at first, I did not speak of it in the book; I do now, also, leave it to be
thought on by men of sound judgment. I lay not the stress of my salvation
thereupon, but upon the Lord Jesus, in the promise; yet, seeing I am here
unfolding of my secret things, I thought it might not be altogether inexpedient
to let this also show itself, though I cannot now relate the matter as there I
did experience it. This lasted, in the savour of it, for about three or four
days, and then I began to mistrust and to despair again.
Wherefore, still my life hung in doubt before me, not knowing which way I should
tip; only this I found my soul desire, even to cast itself at the foot of grace,
by prayer and supplication. But, oh! it was hard for me now to bear the face to
pray to this Christ for mercy, against whom I had thus most vilely sinned; it
was hard work, I say, to offer to look Him in the face against whom I had so
vilely sinned; and, indeed, I have found it as difficult to come to God by
prayer, after backsliding from Him, as to do any other thing. Oh, the shame that
did now attend me! especially when I thought I am now a-going to pray to Him for
mercy that I had so lightly esteemed but a while before! I was ashamed, yea,
even confounded, because this villainy had been committed by me; but I saw there
was but one way with me, I must go to Him and humble myself unto Him, and beg
that He, of His wonderful mercy, would show pity to me, and have mercy upon my
wretched sinful soul.
Which, when the tempter perceived, he strongly suggested to me, That I ought not
to pray to God; for prayer was not for any in my case, neither could it do me
good, because I had rejected the Mediator, by whom all prayer came with
acceptance to God the Father, and without whom no prayer could come into His
presence. Wherefore, now to pray is but to add sin to sin; yea, now to pray,
seeing God has cast you off, is the next way to anger and offend Him more than
you ever did before.
For God, saith he, hath been weary of you for these several years already,
because you are none of His; your bawlings in His ears hath been no pleasant
voice to Him; and, therefore, He let you sin this sin, that you might be quite
cut off; and will you pray still? This the devil urged, and set forth that, in
Numbers, when Moses said to the children of Israel, That because they would not
go up to possess the land when God would have them, therefore, for ever after,
God did bar them out from thence, though they prayed they might, with tears
(Num. 14.36, 37, etc.).
As it is said in another place (Exod. 21.14), the man that sins presumptuously
shall be taken from God's altar, that he may die; even as Joab was by King
Solomon, when he thought to find shelter there (1 Kings 2.28, etc.). These
places did pinch me very sore; yet, my case being desperate, I thought with
myself I can but die; and if it must be so, it shall once be said, that such an
one died at the foot of Christ in prayer. This I did, but with great difficulty,
God doth know; and that because, together with this, still that saying about
Esau would be set at my heart, even like a flaming sword, to keep the way of the
tree of life, lest I should taste thereof and live. Oh! who knows how hard a
thing I found it to come to God in prayer.
I did also desire the prayers of the people of God for me, but I feared that God
would give them no heart to do it; yea, I trembled in my soul to think that some
or other of them would shortly tell me, that God had said those words to them
that He once did say to the prophet concerning the children of Israel, 'Pray
thou not for this people,' for I have rejected them (Jer. 11.14). So, pray not
for him, for I have rejected him. Yea, I thought that He had whispered this to
some of them already, only they durst not tell me so, neither durst I ask them
of it, for fear, if it should be so, it would make me quite beside myself. Man
knows the beginning of sin, said Spira, but who bounds the issues thereof?
About this time I took an opportunity to break my mind to an ancient Christian,
and told him all my case; I told him, also, that I was afraid that I had sinned
the sin against the Holy Ghost; and he told me he thought so too. Here,
therefore, I had but cold comfort; but, talking a little more with him, I found
him, though a good man, a stranger to much combat with the devil. Wherefore, I
went to God again, as well as I could, for mercy still.
Now, also, did the tempter begin to mock me in my misery, saying, that, seeing I
had thus parted with the Lord Jesus, and provoked Him to displeasure, who would
have stood between my soul and the flame of devouring fire, there was now but
one way, and that was, to pray that God the Father would be the Mediator betwixt
His Son and me, that we might be reconciled again, and that I might have that
blessed benefit in Him that His blessed saints enjoyed.
Then did that scripture seize upon my soul, He is of one mind, and who can turn
Him? Oh! I saw it was as easy to persuade Him to make a new world, a new
covenant, or new Bible, besides that we have already, as to pray for such a
thing. This was to persuade Him that what He had done already was mere folly,
and persuade with Him to alter, yea, to disannul, the whole way of salvation;
and then would that saying rend my soul asunder, 'Neither is there salvation in
any other: for there is none other name under heaven, given among men, whereby
we must be saved' (Acts 4.12).
Now the most free, and full, and gracious words of the gospel were the greatest
torment to me; yea, nothing so afflicted me as the thoughts of Jesus Christ, the
remembrance of a Saviour; because I had cast Him off, brought forth the villainy
of my sin, and my loss by it to mind; nothing did twinge my conscience like
this. Every time that I thought of the Lord Jesus, of His grace, love, goodness,
kindness, gentleness, meekness, death, blood, promises and blessed exhortations,
comforts and consolations, it went to my soul like a sword; for still, unto
these my considerations of the Lord Jesus, these thoughts would make place for
themselves in my heart; aye, this is the Jesus, the loving Saviour, the Son of
God, whom thou hast parted with, whom you slighted, despised, and abused. This
is the only Saviour, the only Redeemer, the only one that could so love sinners
as to wash them from their sins in His own most precious blood; but you have no
part nor lot in this Jesus, you have put Him away from you, you have said in
your heart, Let Him go if He will. Now, therefore, you are severed from Him; you
have severed yourself from Him. Behold, then, His goodness, but you yourself be
no partaker of it. Oh, thought I, what have I lost! What have I parted with!
What have I disinherited my poor soul of! Oh! it is sad to be destroyed by the
grace and mercy of God; to have the Lamb, the Saviour, turn lion and destroyer
(Rev. 6). I also trembled, as I have said, at the sight of the saints of God,
especially at those that greatly loved Him, and that made it their business to
walk continually with Him in this world; for they did, both in their words,
their carriages, and all their expressions of tenderness and fear to sin against
their precious Saviour, condemn, lay guilt upon, and also add continual
affliction and shame unto my soul. The dread of them was upon me, and I trembled
at God's Samuels (1 Sam. 16.4).
Now, also, the tempter began afresh to mock my soul another way, saying that
Christ, indeed, did pity my case, and was sorry for my loss; but forasmuch as I
had sinned and transgressed, as I had done, He could by no means help me, nor
save me from what I feared; for my sin was not of the nature of theirs for whom
He bled and died, neither was it counted with those that were laid to His charge
when He hanged on the tree. Therefore, unless He should come down from heaven
and die anew for this sin, though, indeed, He did greatly pity me, yet I could
have no benefit of Him. These things may seem ridiculous to others, even as
ridiculous as they were in themselves, but to me they were most tormenting
cogitations; every of them augmented my misery, that Jesus Christ should have so
much love as to pity me when He could not help me; nor did I think that the
reason why He could not help me was because His merits were weak, or His grace
and salvation spent on them already, but because His faithfulness to His
threatening would not let Him extend His mercy to me. Besides, I thought, as I
have already hinted, that my sin was not within the bounds of that pardon that
was wrapped up in a promise; and if not, then I knew assuredly, that it was more
easy for heaven and earth to pass away than for me to have eternal life. So that
the ground of all these fears of mine did arise from a steadfast belief that I
had of the stability of the holy Word of God, and, also, from my being
misinformed of the nature of my sin.
But oh! how this would add to my affliction, to conceit that I should be guilty
of such a sin for which He did not die. These thoughts would so confound me, and
imprison me, and tie me up from faith, that I knew not what to do; but, oh! I
thought, that He would come down again! Oh! that the work of man's redemption
was yet to be done by Christ! How would I pray Him and entreat Him to count and
reckon this sin amongst the rest for which He died! But this scripture would
strike me down as dead, 'Christ being raised from the dead dieth no more; death
hath no more dominion over him' (Rom. 6.9).
Thus, by the strange and unusual assaults of the tempter, was my soul, like a
broken vessel, driven as with the winds, and tossed sometimes headlong into
despair, sometimes upon the covenant of works, and sometimes to wish that the
new covenant, and the conditions thereof, might, so far forth as I thought
myself concerned, be turned another way and changed. But in all these I was but
as those that justle against the rocks; more broken, scattered, and rent. Oh,
the unthought of imaginations, frights, fears, and terrors that are affected by
a thorough application of guilt, yielded to desperation! this is the man that
hath 'his dwelling among the tombs' with the dead; that is, always crying out
and 'cutting himself with stones' (Mark 5. 2-5). But I say, all in vain;
desperation will not comfort him, the old covenant will not save him; nay,
heaven and earth shall pass away before one jot or tittle of the Word and law of
grace shall fall or be removed. This I saw, this I felt, and under this I
groaned; yet this advantage I got thereby, namely, a further confirmation of the
certainty of the way of salvation, and that the Scriptures were the Word of God!
Oh! I cannot now express what then I saw and felt of the steadiness of Jesus
Christ, the rock of man's salvation; what was done could not be undone, added
to, nor altered. I saw, indeed, that sin might drive the soul beyond Christ,
even the sin which is unpardonable; but woe to him that was so driven, for the
Word would shut him out.
Thus was I always sinking, whatever I did think or do. So one day I walked to a
neighbouring town, and sat down upon a settle in the street, and fell into a
very deep pause about the most fearful state my sin had brought me to; and,
after long musing, I lifted up my head, but methought I saw as if the sun that
shineth in the heavens did grudge to give light, and as if the very stones in
the street, and tiles upon the houses, did bend themselves against me; methought
that they all combined together to banish me out of the world; I was abhorred of
them, and unfit to dwell among them, or be partaker of their benefits, because I
had sinned against the Saviour. O how happy, now, was every creature over what I
was; for they stood fast and kept their station, but I was gone and lost.
Then breaking out in the bitterness of my soul, I said to myself, with a
grievous sigh, How can God comfort such a wretch as I? I had no sooner said it
but this returned upon me, as an echo doth answer a
AUTO BIOGRAPHY
BIOGRAPHIES
